November 5, 2008:
Planned to do this in the summer but figure to stick around to see the election outcome. This particular one got so much attention and I was just curious. Not like I give a flying f**k who won, since this exit plan was already planned. Good luck to Obama! He will be successful. The liberal media LOVES him. Amerika has chosen The Black Man. Good! In light of this I got ideas outside of Obama's plans for the economy and such. Here it is: Every black man should get a young white girl hoe to hone up on. Kinda a reverse indentured servitude thing. Long ago, many a older white male landowner had a young N*gro wench girl for his desires. Bout' time tables are turned on that sh*t. Besides, dem young white hoez dig da bruthrs! LOL. More so than they dig the white dudes! Every daddy know when he sends his little girl to college, she be bangin a bruthr real good. I saw it. "Not my little girl", daddy says! (Yeah right!!) Black dudes have thier choice of best white hoez. You do the math, there are enough young white so all the brothers can each have one for 3 or 6 months or so.
This man was white. I didn't know until I saw his photo after I read the blog. I have never in my life seen such anger toward females. In his blog, he goes on to describe himself as a loner that 30 million women have rejected. He blames his brother, his mother, his pastor and others for screwing him up. He details how people at work believed that he was quite the ladies man, however he had not slept with a woman since he was 29 years old.
Over and over, he describes his life as a recluse. At the very end, he mentions the name of a girl that he got pregnant and says that he hasn't seen her since she was 4 months pregnant. He lists the names and addresses of everyone that the world can blame for his actions.
He over and over refers to his "exit plan." He never says that he intends to shoot up a gym and then take his own life except to call it the exit plan. He describes practice runs, mentions having a loaded gun and the time he chickened out.
His last entry reads as follows:
August 3, 2009:
I took off today, Monday, and tomorrow to practice my routine and make sure it is well polished. I need to work out every detail, there is only one shot. Also I need to be completely immersed into something before I can be successful. I haven't had a drink since Friday at about 2:30. Total effort needed. Tomorrow is the big day.
Unfortunately I talked to my neighbor today, who is very positive and upbeat. I need to remain focused and absorbed COMPLETELY. Last time I tried this, in January, I chickened out. Lets see how this new approach works.
Maybe soon, I will see God and Jesus. At least that is what I was told. Eternal life does NOT depend on works. If it did, we will all be in hell. Christ paid for EVERY sin, so how can I or you be judged BY GOD for a sin when the penalty was ALREADY paid. People judge but that does not matter. I was reading the Bible and The Integrity of God beginning yesterday, because soon I will see them.
I will try not to add anymore entries because this computer clicking distracts me.
Also, any of the "Practice Papers" left on my coffee table I used or the notes in my gym bag can be published freely. I will not be embarased, because, well, I will be dead. Some people like to study that stuff. Maybe all this will shed insight on why some people just cannot make things happen in their life, which can potentially benefit others.
The last line is what makes me over and over think of what my ex said. It makes me think about what solitude does to a person, especially self inflicted solitude. Someone that shuts out the world as Sodini did...and as my ex does and did to me and our son. Do I think that my ex is a disaster in the making? I don't know...I wish I knew. The problem is that we really never know what anyone is really capable of. It's hard to distinguish at times someone who is talking out because they crave attention from someone that is a viable threat.
I read a book about two years ago called "The Suicidal Mind." It is a book detailing (complete with interviews) life after attempted suicide. It chronicals 4 different people that attempted suicide, but survived their attempts. They speak of their misery, their depression, anger and what drove them over the edge.
The girl that struck me the most's name was Ariel Wilson. She attempted to take her life out of a desperate need to be loved. To be coveted, to be needed by other. She attempted to take her own life by immolating herself.
I will never in my life forget how Ariel described the emotion that she felt moments before she lit the match, as she sat in her car, completely drenched in gasoline: "I was making these decisions and I don't remember thinking of my sadness or the things that were breaking my heart. It was kind of like the end of things I was thinking about, that I would be no more, that I would hurt no more. It was going to be good...It was going to be something that would fullfill me...I don't remember thinking about a whole lot of things, but I felt very calm. I felt very good. I felt a kind of hush over my body, that is was going to be okay...I got the matches out and even then no thoughts went through my head at all of the pain that it was going to entail, the misery, the hurt, any of that. It amazes me now that I really didn't think that the burns would really hurt...It was the first time, in fact, that I felt at peace, that I wasn't hurting inside."
I had to go back to the book to pull the quotes, but this was a passage that I have never forgotten. I could hear her voice and so clearly picture this young college girl, sitting in her car with a smile on her face as she struck the match. Ariel did die 3 years after the incident at age 22 of natural causes while in the hospital being treated with the flu.
While Ariel did not attempt to take the life of another, she did attempt to take her own and for many of the same reasons that George Sodini walked into that gym and took the lives of others and his own. They both said basically the same thing: Their pain would be gone and they both felt that by taking their own life, they would finally succeed at something.
This all made me begin to think and beg the question: was there ever a point in which this man could have been helped? Are people like this truely a lost cause? At what point do they decide that they need to take people down with them? We see it so often on the news in the case of suicide bombers, but many of them are on "religious mission" or have been brainwashed for their entire lives that this was the thing to do to bring them to salvation.
The events that happened at the gym the other night have sparked a lot of conversation in the area. I have overheard many conversations the past few days regarding Sodini and what he did. People have all been helplessly asking the same questions:
How did no one see this coming?
If he was blogging about this, why did no one report him?
What if he had done this at work, or right outside in the courtyard where we all frequent on our breaks to eat, smoke or read?
Was there anyone that he gave a clue to?
What made him think there was no other way?
What went through his mind, or what happened that he didn't say that made him have such disdain for females?
Above all: How many other people out there are a ticking time bomb like this guy?
My manager who's wife was at the gym mentioned to me that people need to band together to read through blogs and Myspace accounts and Facebook and look for these blantant signs. On top of his relief that his wife is alive, the biggest question this has raised for him was "What if I had had to tell my daughter that Mommy wasn't coming home?"
What if this man had done this outside while I was sitting reading in the courtyard and someone had to explain to my son in a few years what happened to Mommy? What if he had done this in his building, where my cousin's fiance works, and someone had to tell her that she wouldn't be getting married next month?
We have an obligation as citizens to watch for signs and to report strange behavior. Do not live in fear of how people will react. This is not an obligation to spy or to pry into someone's personal life. This is an obligation as Americans to each other to protect our families, our friends, and our country. What's the worst that could happen from reporting a blogger that is talking crazy? That you save a life? That you get a person the help they need to pull their life together?
I hope that this entry is taken seriously and that I have given everyone some insight into the minds of different types of people that are feeling desperate and the harm that they could possibly inflict not just on others, but on theirselves. Not all cases are the same. Things like this happen for so many different reasons, but in my research over the years I have learned that almost all cases have certain consistant themes and patterns.
*If you are interested in reading his entire blog, please contact me via email and I will forward you the text.